I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*