I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.