I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.