I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision