Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

That’s what I call a flat tire

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.