Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger
In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”