I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.