@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

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@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

@TheDreamGhoul

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@superdadatron

Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.

@PinkCamoTO

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@thenatewolf

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.