I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

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Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.


In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger

In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger


Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”


FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.


my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.


there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball


Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand


Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.


“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”