I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant