Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

This is enough internet for the day.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW