I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
yea so i messed up lol
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless