I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
this is literally a CIA plant
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.