I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
I think the cat got the dog high.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?