I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
any last words?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here