I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Message from the dog groomers
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one