I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I am absolutely never leaving this website
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.