Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”