I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.