Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

I miss this era type of pranks😭

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’