I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
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You know…for fall…
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada