Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

yeah no that’s fair

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?