I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man