I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING