I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.