I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m awake but I object,
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*