I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Sharon, call the vet