I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.