I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself