I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.