Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

lmao😭🤣

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.