Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on