Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

good work, detective

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.