Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

hardest line in real life

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers