Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.