I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally