I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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I love texting my boyfriend
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
my sentiments exactly
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense