I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!