Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

live long and prosper!

🤣🤣🤣

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.