Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.