Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

BaD BoY!!

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Raisins are grape jerky.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*