Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

Finally, a door that understands me

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.