Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Banderslack Clamberdorch

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

A man of commitment.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?