Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

We know he can swim but…

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”