I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.