I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
lost dog
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Feels like the fourth month in January
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people