Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*