I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
A roof is a house hat.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.