I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room