i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?