Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.