i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
You Might Also Like
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
dril cadence
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok