Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Wednesday

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time