I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.