Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I beg your pardon?

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!