I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
when revenge coincides with naptime
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.