Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

It be like that sometimes 😆

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

When you’re Kinky but poor

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Me trying to look natural in photos

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.