Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.