Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong