Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

asked my bf how work was today

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Still laughing at this stupid meme

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.