I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
#ParentingFacts
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her