Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?