Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

Split the bill

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.