I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall