I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT