I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
