I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re