Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Oh yeah that’s it

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

S M O L

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.