I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Care for your back
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)