I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”