I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!