Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.