Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.