Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

BRAKING NEWS!!

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.