I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Look Ma, no handle on things
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Genius idea!!
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…