I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.