I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )